Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners

As powerful as inspirational quotes can be, sometimes we just need a bit of humor to lighten up our day. For those occasions, funny quotes and one-liners are quite effective, especially when they poke fun at our everyday annoyances, whether it be politics, work, aging or marriage.
Not content with finding these humorous quotes on only bumper stickers, we set out to put together a list of them. Below, you’ll find the Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners that are sure to put a smile on your face.

1. ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” - Unknown
2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Will Rogers
3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
4. ”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown
5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll
6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde
7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)
8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” - Unknown
9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” - Albert Einstein
10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” - Unknown
11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” - Bill McGlashen
12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” - Marilyn Monroe
13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire
14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain
15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” - Unknown
16. ”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson
17. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson
18. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein
19. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers
20. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright
21. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” - Jack Handey
22. ”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” - Unknown
23. “If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” - Milton Berle
24. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” - Unknown
25. “I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” - Unknown
26. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” - Robert Frost
27. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar
28. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” - Emo Philips
29. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” - Bob Hope
30. “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’” - The Maugles
31. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” - Isaac Asimov
32. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” - Barbra Streisand
33. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” - Harry S. Truman
34. “We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” - Unknown
35. “If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” - Unknown
36. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” - Jack Nicholson
37. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” - Woody Allen
38. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” - Unknown
39. “Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” - Unknown
40. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” - Wilson Mizner
41. “Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’” - Unknown
42. “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” - Unknown
43. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” - Emo Philips
44. “Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.” - Unknown
45. “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” - Unknown
46. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde
47. “Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.” - Unknown
48. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.” - Ashleigh Brilliant
49. “I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” - Axel Rose
50. “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.” - Unknown
51. “Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?” - Unknown
52. “A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” - Franklin Jones
53. “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!” - Henny Youngman
54. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.” - Chris Rock
55. “When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” - Norm Crosby
56. “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” - Brendan Behan
57. “Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.” - Unknown
58. “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” - Claude Pepper
59. “I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.” - Unknown
60. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” - Dennis Miller
61. “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” - Winston Churchill
62. ”It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.” - Tommy Cooper
63. “Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?” - Unknown
64. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” - Franklin P. Jones
65. “I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.” - Unknown
66. ”God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.” - Ethel Mumford
67. ”A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.” - Robert Purvis
68. “The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” - George Jessel
69. “America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.” - Unknown
70. “Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?” - Unknown
71. “Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.” - Unknown
72. “I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.” - Rodney Dangerfield
73. “If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?” - Jerry Seinfeld
74.“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” - Rodney Dangerfield
75. ”As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” - Norman Wisdom
76. “How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?” - Unknown
77. “Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?” - Rita Rudner
78. “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” - Robin Williams
79. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” - Charles Wadsworth
80. “A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.” - Bill Vaughan
81. “To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.” - Unknown
82. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” - Jackie Mason
83. ”Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” - Oprah Winfrey
84. ”Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.” - Christopher Marlowe
85. ”Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” - Franklin P. Jones
86. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” - Jerry Seinfeld
87. “Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.” - Unknown
88. “Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?” - Unknown
89. “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” - Ronald Reagan
90. “A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” - Fred Allen
91. “They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.” - Unknown
92. “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” - Robin Williams
93. ”First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” - Steve Martin
94. ”I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’” - Jack Handy
95. ”Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” - Erma Bombeck
96.“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.” - Unknown
97. “The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.” - Unknown
98. “At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” - Ann Landers
99. “If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.” - Unknown
100. “Make yourself at home… clean my kitchen.” - Unknown

Top 100: Inspirational Quotes to Live By

Good quotes are often powerful words of wisdom that inspire, educate and even motivate a person to take action. They usually share common themes such as:

• Positive thinking leads to positive outcomes
• Failure is a stepping stone to success
• Help yourself by helping others
• Determination, initiative and persistence are the foundation of success

And yet these lessons of life are typically condensed into 1-2 lines. Therefore we thought it’d be a great idea to come up with the ultimate list of 100 inspiring quotes to live by.

1. “I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me.” - Dudley Field Malone
2. “If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.” - Albert Einstein
3. “The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score.” - Bill Copeland
4. “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” - George Eliot
5. “All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.” - Walt Disney
6. “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
7. “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” - Milton Berle
8. ”An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” - M.K. Gandhi
9. ”Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.” - John F. Kennedy
10. ”I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” - Thomas Edison
11. ”It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” - Aristotle
12. ”It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.” - Howard Ruff
13. ”It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” - Vince Lombardi
14. ”Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” - Sun-Tzu
15. ”Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” - Albert Einstein
16. ”Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.” - Benjamin Franklin
17. ”Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ‘em.” - William Shakespeare
18. ”That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
19. ”The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers
20. ”Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” - Will Rogers
21. ”To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace.” - George Washington
22. ”When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” - Franklin D. Roosevelt
23. ”Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” - Henry David Thoreau
24. “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
25. “What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
26. ”I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.” - Albert Einstein
27. “Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.” - Albert Einstein
28. ”Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” - Mark Twain
29. “People who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” - Apple Computers
30. ”You must be the change you want to see in the world.” - M.K. Gandhi
31. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” - Michael Jordan
32. “If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.” - E. Joseph Cossman
33. ”Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” - Henry Ford
34. ”Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” - Truman Capote
35. ”Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.” - Roy Goodman
36. ”In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.” - Sid Caesar
37. “The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.” - Richard Bach
38. ”The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.” - Margo Kaufman
39. “To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” - Elbert Hubbard
40. ”We see things not as they are, but as we are.” - H. M. Tomlinson
41. ”The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” - Chinese Proverb
42. ”Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare.” - Japanese Proverb
43. ”If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.” - Isaac B. Singer
44. “The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.” - Jimmy Johnson
45. “When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” - Sydney Harris
46. “The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders.” - Foster’s Law
47. ”I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.” - Winston Churchill
48. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill
49. ”Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” - Voltaire
50. “The best way to predict the future is to create it.” - Abraham Lincoln
51. “Don’t go through life, grow through life.” - Eric Butterworth
52. “Positive anything is better than negative thinking.” - Elbert Hubbard
53. ”Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.” - William B. Sprague
54. “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” - Albert Einstein
55. “I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.” - Oprah Winfrey
56. “In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.” - Theodore Roosevelt
57. “Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down.” - Charles F. Kettering
58. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain
59. “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” - Dr. Denis Waitley
60. “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” - John Wooden
61. “Cause change and lead; accept change and survive; resist change and die.” - Ray Norda
62. “Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it.” - Joe Clark
63. “Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.” - Richard L. Evans
64. ”A mind is like a parachute, it doesn’t work if it isn’t open.” - Frank Zappa 

65. “If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.” - J.M. Power
66. “In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” - Thomas Jefferson
67. “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.” - Dennis P. Kimbro
68. “Winners lose much more often than losers. So if you keep losing but you’re still trying, keep it up! You’re right on track.” - Matthew Keith Groves
69. “An obstacle is often a stepping stone.” - Prescott
70. “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” - Helen Keller
71. “The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job.” - Zig Ziglar
72. “If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.” - Napoleon Hill
73. “Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.” - Ray Kroc
74. ”Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.” - Vince Lombardi
75. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar
76. “If not us, who? If not now, when?” - John F. Kennedy
77. “Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” - Dale Carnegie
78. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” - Joe Girard
79. “Some men see things as they are and say why – I dream things that never were and say why not.” - George Bernard Shaw
80. “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.” - Sidney
81. “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” - Bill Cosby
82. “The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others.” - Hasidic Proverb
83. “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” - Peter F. Drucker
84. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” - Wayne Gretzky
85. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” - Dr. Seuss
86. “I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” - Pablo Picasso
87. “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
88. “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” - Robert Brault
89. “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” - Albert Einstein
90. “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” - Benjamin Franklin
91. “Many of life’s failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” - Thomas Edison
92. “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” - Confucius
93. “The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” - Winston Churchill
94. “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
95. “Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind.” - Theodore Roosevelt
96. “You make a living by what you earn; you make a life by what you give.” - Winston Churchill
97. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” - Lao Tzu
98. “What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight – it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” - Dwight D. Eisenhower
99. ”Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great makes you feel that you, too, can become great.” - Mark Twain
100. ”Every truth passes through three stages before it is recognized. In the first, it is ridiculed. In the second, it is opposed. In the third, it is regarded as self evident.” - Arthur Schopenhauer

Five reasons Android is superior to the iPhone

While on vacation, I was reminded (yet again) how superior the Android platform is to the iPhone. How this happened was simple — during my large family gathering, I had to work on several iPhones but no Android phones. As I worked on the iPhones, it hit me just how inflexible the iPhone platform is and in how many ways the Android mobile is superior.

As with any listing of this nature, every point here could be argued, but I wanted to try to keep this particular listing to facts and not just opinion. So, let’s dig in and see how that goes.

1. Application options. With the Android platform, all you have to do is tap the Menu button to get to the application options, even while the application is running. This is very much in line with how PC applications work. However, on the iPhone, you have to go through Settings to get to the application options. Sometimes this is circumvented when iPhone app designers add an Options button within an application — but this leads to inconsistency, because not all applications have options.
2. Updates. For me, this one is the deal breaker for the iPhone. In order to get updates (especially firmware updates) the iPhone must be connected to iTunes. Android, on the other hand, offers two ways to get updates: OTA (Over The Air) or using a third-party tool that allows the upgrade to be installed via a PC. The third-party tool will depend upon the maker of the handset, but most of them work very well. The OTA updates also work almost flawlessly. The only bad experience I’ve had with OTA updates is with AT&T, because they only allow you to check for updates every 24 hours. This can cause some serious frustration when you KNOW there’s an update available, but your handset has yet to see it. But generally speaking, when your provider makes the update available, it will appear and be ready for installation.
3. No iTunes. I have always been very vocal about this. I have a great dislike for iTunes, and there are a lot of reasons for this. It’s not intuitive, it’s a resource hog, and it’s forced upon you by Apple, when you want to fully manage your iPhone. With the Android platform, there is not one single application required to manage your device. In fact, a single Android device can be managed by multiple applications and in multiple platforms.
4. Multitasking. That’s right, the Android platform does true multitasking. Sure, Apple claims the iPhone does, but I challenge you to actually manage multitasking on the iPhone platform. With Android, all you have to do is hold down the Home button to see a list of your running applications. From that list, you can switch between apps at any time. There are even third-party Android applications (such as Power Strip) that can be installed that make the task of multitasking even more powerful.
5. Application installation. With the Android platform, you can install apps from the Android Market, from your PC by simply copying the file to the mobile, or even transferring via Bluetooth. In fact, you can install home-grown applications just as easy as “official” applications created by Android developers. For developers, this is a real boon, because you don’t have to rely solely on an emulator to make sure your application works properly. Some people argue that this opens up Android for possible malware, but if done carefully, it won’t be an issue.

There are many reasons why I personally feel that Android is superior to the iPhone, but the above entries tend to float to the top for me. Yes, there are aspects of mobile life that the iPhone does quite well, but for anyone that prefers a sense of true freedom with their devices, Android is — far and away — the platform of choice.

How Insurance Works

While it may seem complex, insurance is really quite simple: The payments (or premiums) of the many pay for the losses of a few. Your premiums go into a large pool, if you will, at your insurance company. The claims of the few are paid from that pool. Because there are more people contributing to the pool than there are making claims, there is always enough to pay the claims – even large single claims like when someone is permanently disabled as a result of a car collision, or many smaller claims like those resulting from a natural disaster. (The 1998 ice storm that hit parts of Ontario, Quebec and New Brunswick resulted in an estimated 700,000 claims for damage totalling $1.4 billion.) However, large disasters (such as the ice storm) do come close to emptying the pool. 

 

Insurance for insurance companies

Even when the pool comes close to emptying, there is another pool from which insurance companies can draw to pay claims. Some of your premiums are used by your insurance company to buy reinsurance – insurance for insurance companies. Sometimes losses are so big – like those resulting from an earthquake – that there is no way that an insurance company can cover the costs. Reinsurance is an extra layer of protection against large losses.

Annual replenishing

Your insurance is an annual contract, so the pool operates for only one year at a time. Your premiums and the premiums of others are based on how much money the insurance companies think they will need to pay the coming year’s claims. Your premiums do not build up over the years – unlike the premiums for some types of life insurance. 

How premiums are calculated

Within reasonable limits, some of which are prescribed by law, your premium is calculated to reflect the probability that you will make a claim – that is, that you will draw funds from the insurance pool. Those who are unlikely to draw from the pool pay less than those who are more likely to draw from it.

Insurers take many factors into consideration to determine the likelihood that you will make a claim. A common misconception is that a policyholder who has never made a claim should pay less, little or nothing for insurance. While it is true that past claims history is important, a more reliable indicator of how likely a person or business is to make a claim is the statistical group to which he/she/it belongs.

Industry earnings

Insurance companies generally do not make money on the premiums gathered from policyholders. In 2005, insurance companies paid more than $21 billion in claims while taking in $35 billion in premiums. The difference between the premiums and claims, in this case $14 billion, is used by the companies to pay salaries and taxes ($6.2 billion in 2005), and to cover the overhead costs (such as electricity bills) of running a business. It is also used to pay the administrative costs of settling a claim. 

Insurance pays for …

Insurance pays for only those types of losses described in your contract. It is very important that you read your policy and/or talk to your insurance representative about what you are covered for and what you’re not. Insurance will not pay for every problem that you may encounter, nor is it a maintenance contract. Insurance is generally intended – and priced accordingly – to help policyholders cope with the financial consequences of unpredictable events that are "sudden and accidental."  If, for example, you live on a floodplain by a river, flooding of your property in the spring is not sudden or accidental; it is inevitable and, therefore, uninsurable. 

How Stock Market Works

In my effort to further educate newbies in the field of stock market, I initiated this article for stock market beginners. You may call it Stocks 101 or Stocks for Dummies.

First and foremost, what is the stock market? A stock market is an avenue for companies and corporations to offer their shares in the public. Once a company listed their shares in the stock market, then the public is free to buy and sell those stocks. It works in a similar way to how you might sell and buy gold. So what’s the pros and cons of a company in listing their stocks publicly?

Pros:

1. To raise capital. Companies hire an advisor called underwriter to formulate the Initial Public Offering (IPO) price of the company’s stock depending on several factors. Then executives of these companies will conduct a roadshow usually out of the country to entice foreign investors to buy these shares. The IPO price is the starting price of the company’s stock in the stock market when it first traded publicly. An oversold stock mean that it did well in its initial public offering. It means that a lot of investors bought the stock. It can be twice or thrice oversold depending on the turn out of the IPO.

2. To know the market value of a company. One way to easily know the market value of the company is by knowing the price of its stock. This in turn will be multiplied by the total outstanding shares that the company holds. Here in the Philippines, the largest company in terms of market value is PLDT.

Cons:

Since the company’s stock is now open for public, it can be subject to several external factors. Investors can now play its stocks. It can now be a subject for scrutiny by investors and analysts. Also, it can be a subject for manipulation. A company that did well, meaning, it beats analysts estimates on its earnings and profits will probably go higher as investors buy these shares. In contrast, those that did not meet or has some problems in liquidity, credit, labor, compliance, etc. will be dumped by the investors that will lead to the so-called ‘equity dry up’. This led to the recent bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers.

So much for the pros and cons, we will now get into the basics of the stock market.

Once a company listed its shares in the stock market, this will be represented by a so-called Ticker Symbol. A ticker symbol is a short-cut name of the company. You won’t see the long name Philippine Long Distance and Telephone Company in the stock market. It may be hard to memorize and to recall. Instead, it is represented by the ticker symbol ‘TEL’.

An index tracks the movement of the stock market. The ups and downs of an index depends on the movement of the price of the stocks. You usually hear the index went up or down by so and so points. Different countries have different names for their indices for easy identification. In US, there are three indices. These are called a.) Dow Jones Industrial Average or DOW or DJIA. b.) NASDAQ and c.) S&P 500. In Japan, they called their index ‘Nikkei’. In Hong Kong, they call it ‘Hangseng’. In UK, they call it ‘FTSE 100′. In Germany, they call it ‘DAX 30′. Here in the Philippines, they call it ‘Phisix’.

Someone asks, is there a minimum amount to buy stocks? The answer is yes! Here in the Philippines, it usually takes a capital of Php 25,000 to open an account but some online trading platforms require just Php 5,000. All stocks have a minimum number of shares that each investor needs to comply. This is called Board Lot. The purpose of this is to avoid ‘odd lots’ and to facilitate easier trading. This depends on the price of a stock. Here in the Philippines, a stock with a price of 101 and up per share requires a board lot of 10 shares. A stock with a price of 10.25 to 100 per share requires a board lot of 100 shares. A stock price of 1.02 to 10 per share requires a board lot of 1,000 shares. So this mean that you cannot buy just 10 shares of a stock with a price of 10 per share.

The movement of stock prices is also subjected to ‘fluctuations‘. This is also dependent on the price of a stock. Here in the Philippines, a stock with a price of 101 and up per share is subject to a fluctuation of 1.00. It means that it can move to a multiple of 1, lower or higher, but it cannot move 0.25. Therefore, you cannot buy or sell it at 101.25 or 101.50.

When you buy or sell stocks, you placed a so-called Order. A ‘buy order’ mean that you requested to buy a stock at a specified price. A ’sell order’ mean that you requested to sell the stocks that you currently holds. Every order is represented by a price and volume. By volume, it refers to the number of stocks that you want to buy or sell. By price, it refers to the buy or sell price that you want. All these orders will be requested thru a stock broker. A stock broker will receive all these requests and will post it in the stock exchange. Once an order materialized, it is called ‘matched order’. Meaning, if you posted a buy order of 100 shares of TEL stocks at the price of 2,000, then another person posted a sell order of 100 shares of TEL at the same price of 2,000. And so your order has been matched! If you posted beyond the trading hours, then it’s called ‘off-hour order’ and your order will be exercised the next trading day. If you don’t have sufficient funds to buy a stock, then it will be a ‘declined order’.

Stock market is like any normal store. It has operating hours called trading time or trading hours. Depending on the country, the stock market normally operates from 9:30AM to 12:30 Noon. Some countries like Japan operates from 9AM to 3PM.

You’ve been hearing a lot about bear and bull markets. What do these terms mean? A bear market is a stock market where there are a lot of sellers than buyers. By law of supply and demand, since there are a lot of supply, in this case sellers of stocks, then the stock price will be bound to go down. Why is it called a ‘bear’ market? Just look how bear attacks. It fights by using its claws in the ‘downward’ position. In contrast, a stock market called a bull market is characterized by a lot of buyers than sellers. This is again by using the law of supply and demand. Why is it called a ‘bull’ market? Just look at how bulls attack. They have this set of thorns in the ‘upward’ direction when they fight with an enemy. When there is a bull market, stock ‘rally’.

A blue chip stock is a stock of a well-established company having stable earnings. The term ‘blue chip’ came from casinos where blue chips represent counters with the highest value. During trading, a stock can be called ‘most active’, ‘top gainers’ or ‘top losers’. A stock belonging to the most active list is a stock with a lot of buyers and sellers. These set of stocks are also called ‘movers’. Top gainers’ list are stocks with the highest gain in a single trading day while top losers are stocks with the highest loss in a single trading day.

A stock that belongs to the list of most active, top gainers and top losers is usually determined by its market volume and market value. A market volume refers as to how many shares were traded in a particular trading day. A market value, on the other hand, refers to the monetary value of all those traded stocks. You usually hear reports of, for example, 3 Billion shares with a value of 1.5 Billion ’shook hands’.

You usually notice a color associated with a stock during the trading. This indicates the movement of a stock. A color red means that the stock is going down. A color green means that the stock is going up. And a so-called unch, meaning a stock that did not went up or down, is represented usually by a black or white.

Now why do investors buy stocks? Well aside from the ‘buy low and sell high’ strategy called capital gains of making nice income from it, a stock gives ‘dividends‘. These are profit shares given by the company for investors who bought their stocks. All companies listed in stock exchange disclosed their dividend pay-out. This declaration commonly involves two dates: The ‘Ex-Date’ and ‘Payment Date’. The Ex-date is the date on which you should have acquired the said stock. The Payment date is the date at which the dividend will be paid. Dividends may come in two forms: Stock dividend and Cash Dividend.In order to illustrate more of this, let’s view the example below:

- Ayala Corp. (AC) declared to give 20% stock dividend declaration ex-date June 1; payment date July 31. Cash dividend of Php 5.75 per share ex date September 1, payment date October 30.

- As an investor, if you want to take advantage, acquire as much stock as you can before the ex-date. If the investor bought 100 shares of AC before September 1, the he/she will have 120 shares by June 1. Aside from this, if he/she retained the said stocks then he/she could have probably earned an additional Php 690 come October 30.

One last way of earning from stocks is the so-called ’stock rights’. It is the the option given to the present shareholders to buy additional shares of stock at a price lower than its market price. This is an additional opportunity for those who hold stocks of a company and one way to raise additional capital for the company.

Historical values of a stock also play an important role in assessing whether the value of a stock is cheap or expensive. A 52-week high means that it is the highest price of the stock achieved in a span of 1 year. Consequently, a 52-week low means that it is the lowest price of the stock achieved in a span of 1 year. A Year-To-Date (YTD) Yield represent just how much the stock moved up or down starting from the start of the year which is January 1. These two are both dependent on the present date and the closing price of the stock (the price of the stock when the stock market closed). To illustrate more of this, let’s view the example below. Consider the following prices as the closing price:

- SM Investments had a 52-week high of 400 and 52-week low of 185. If for example the date today is November 10, 2008, then the stock of SM achieved its highest price of 400 and lowest price of 185 from November 10, 2007 to November 10, 2008, a span of 1 year. In the case of YTD Yield, let’s say today the company has lost 35% of its value. This just means the stock has fallen 38% of its value since January 1, 2008.

Aside from the gauge of historical values of stocks, one way of assessing if a stock is cheap or expensive is thru its Price-Earning Ratio or so called ‘P/E Ratio’. This is the ratio of the stock price to the company’s earnings. The higher the P/E Ratio, the higher the profitability of the company. BUT do not solely rely on this ratio. It may indicate that a high P/E ratio means that the stock is overpriced.

You also hear the term ‘Technical Analysis’. This refers to the technique used by brokers and analysts to predict the future direction of a stock. They use charts and graphs and is usually based on the historical value of the stock. In using this, they can somehow know when a stock is cheap or not. However, this is not 100% accurate as no one can really predict the movement of the stock market.

Ok, we will now go to some terms that are used by analysts in stock trading:

Cost averaging - This means adding or buying more shares at a cheaper price and disposing it at a modest price so that the cost will eventually average out with the profit leaving a break even or a little income. This was a strategy to lessen losses. To illustrate it, let’s see the example. I bought 200 shares of AC at 250 per share. The stock went down to 150 per share. To take advantage of it, I will buy additional 200 shares. And so when the stock moved to at least a price of 200 per share, then I am break even. If I had not done it, then I will incur a loss when I sell it at 200 per share.

Window Dressing - It is another strategy used by fund managers towards the end of the year or fourth quarter. They buy stocks with attractive values and sell those ones with beaten prices so that their portfolio will look good to their clients. To illustrate this, a mutual fund company buys a stock whose trend is up and sell some of its shares in another stock whose trend is down, even at a loss.

Short Sell - This means that you sell stocks that you don’t have at the time of the sell. It is done with the intent of later buying the share at a lower price for a profit. Traders usually do this when there is an expected decline of a stock. When the stock price really went down, then the trader is well off. In contrast, when that expectation did not materialize, then the trader loses money. Recently, this practice was banned by Securities and Exchange Commission for manipulating the stock market.

Volatility - The volatility of the stock refers to its price movement. The larger the movement of the stock, the more volatile it is. This means that a stock which moved from 150 t0 350 then back to 250 per share in a span of 3 days is more volatile than a stock which moved from 150 to 200 to 175.

Why Google+ has a winning Chance..

The world doesn’t need another social network. Especially when you have one that already has 750 million highly active users in it.

The reasons why Facebook overtook MySpace was because it was different and solved a different set of problems. Facebook introduced “real identity” to the web. And, the “newsfeed” created a whole new distribution channel for sharing on the web that now rivals with likes of search for traffic.

But, now with 750 million users, with 4 billion things being shared everyday, noise has taken over the channel. Therefore, you don’t get to see the content you want to see; Facebook decides what you should see. This becomes a fundamental problem that causes frustration and where Google+ got it right with Circles.

On my Facebook account I have 474 Facebook friends. These range from family, close friends, co-workers, passive contacts, and acquaintances. However, when I log into Facebook – my newsfeed isn’t relevant. I rarely see my family and close friends – it’s basically about everyone else. Not a week goes by, when I have to hide connections from showing up on my feed. And that’s the bigger problem of the social web. Everyone loves the concept of the social graph, but the real defining graph – is your “implicit graph.”

While it took me some time to get used to, I now understand why Google+ forces you to organize your social graph into circles: Friends, Family, Acquaintances, Following and any other circle you wish to create. The first two groups are your “implicit graph”, Acquaintances becomes your “extended social graph”, and Following becomes your “interest graph” much like Twitter. Even though, not many people are on it yet (10 million vs. 750 million)– I already love the organization of the feeds. It makes sense, I get to now control the information I want in the circles I create, and I get to see my implicit graph come to life on a social network. This is a key difference and behavioral insight that gives Google+ a real chance to compete with Facebook.

I’ve always been a big believer that the “social graph” was just our explicit graph – an index of our address book of connections. But, the Holy Grail is going to be whoever can ascertain our “implicit graph” to show the content, messaging, and social experience consumers really want. It seems Google+ will be bringing that to a social network.

Courtesy :  www.TechProceed.com

How To Lock Your Computer With USB Drive

Tired of people starting your computer when you are not around and messing up custom settings? Wouldn’t it be cool if you could lock your computer by just removing your USB stick from it? I’ll show you how you can use your USB stick, Flash Drive or Pen Drive what ever you call it to lock your computer, among other things…

Boot Lock
 

This trick will allow you to use your USB to BOOT into Windows. If someone tries to start the computer without your USB stick, it will display boot errors. Before begin, you playing with the BIOS and boot files of your computer may result in you not being able to boot into your Windows partition; so continue at your own risk! 

Things you need: A 64MB or larger sized USB Stick, Windows Recovery Disk (just in case). Unhide hidden and protected files : Go to Tools > Options > View, check Show hidden files and un-check Hide protected system files.

• From the drive where Windows is installed (normally C:\), copy the files boot.ini, ntdlr and NTDETECT.COM to your USB Stick.
• Now, we need to go into your BIOS, so restart the computer and keep jabbing [F8] as soon as the computer starts.
• Once in the BIOS, enable USB Drive as the first boot device. You might have to enable USB Legacy  Support on older BIOSes.
• Restart your computer, if all goes well, you should be able to log into Windows. If not, then unplug the USB Stick, return to the BIOS and change the First Boot device to your hard disk drive and repeat the steps above.
• Once you are logged into Windows, go to your Windows drive and rename boot.ini to boot.bak.
• To check if you have setup everything correctly, eject your USB stick and reboot the computer. You should get error messages on the screen such as Invalid Boot.ini” or “Windows could not start”.

That's it !   :)